Fair Swap



"So when did the sex start?"

Sheppard and McKay exchanged glances.

"Sex?"

"Start?"

Ford rolled his eyes. "Cave-in. Trapped for two days with no food or water, no hope of rescue; you're telling me that you two didn't?"

"No!"

"Not even when Rodney got hungry?"

McKay blinked. "Cannibalism? It might have come to that eventually, I suppose, but after 38 hours? I have a little more self control than you seem to think, and why is the Major blushing?"

"Not. Not blushing," Sheppard said, taking a step backwards.

"Yes, you are." McKay frowned, tapping a finger against his mouth, working through the puzzle. "Hungry... sex... hmm." His eyes widened. "Spermhascalories!"

"What?" Sheppard said, taking another step away. Ford snickered, looking gleefully amused.

McKay rounded on him. "It has calories! Not many, true, but I hadn't eaten for hours and you could have come, oh, I don't know; four, maybe five times?"

Sheppard gaped at him. "Excuse me?"

"You selfish -" Rodney's mouth thinned. "I see. Your hang ups are more important than my lingering, agonising death by starvation. Good to know."

"Rodney -" Sheppard rolled his eyes. "I really don't think it would've helped."

"It might!"

"It wouldn't!"

Ford backed away unnoticed. They could be at this for hours.

"But if it had, would you have?"

"I don't know!"

"Well, thank you very much."

Sheppard took a deep breath. "Fine. Next time we're trapped in a cave with our packs on the wrong side of the rock fall we can get right down to the oral sex; happy?"

"Ecstatic!" McKay said through his teeth.

He turned on his heel, back rigid with righteous indignation, and Sheppard called out, "That goes both ways, right?"

McKay turned his head. "What?"

Sheppard tilted his head and smiled. "Think about it, Rodney."

"Okay, I've thought," McKay announced after five long seconds of panicked cogitation.

"And?"

"We'd have suffocated before we starved." McKay shrugged with a rather superb nonchalance. "Sex -- any activity -- would use up more oxygen."

"So I don't get a blow job even when I'm dying?" Sheppard sighed sadly. "Of all the luck."

McKay studied Sheppard's face and then walked back to him. "It would have decreased our chances of survival; possibly been the critical factor in dooming us. Would it really be worth it?"

Sheppard shrugged. "When you put it like that --"

McKay smiled and nodded approvingly. "Glad you've seen sense --"

"I really need to know beforehand just how good you are."

"What?" McKay snapped.

Sheppard spread his hands and gave McKay an innocent smile. "Come on, Rodney; you're good at everything; for all I know, it'd be a fair swap. A minute -- or ten -- of ecstasy in exchange for a few less cubic inches of air. What do you say; your place tonight, and then the next time we're trapped, I'll have all the data needed to make an informed, scientific decision?"

McKay's eyes bugged out and then narrowed suspiciously. "You're still mad about that piece of chewing gum I didn't share, aren't you?"

"Hell, yes."


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