Funny Once

Giles rearranged the paperwork on his desk and sighed. Why Snyder insisted on these pointless, irritating, redundant reports was beyond him. Or perhaps it was just that the man knew how much he hated doing them. Yes. That made sense. Filled with a grim glee, Giles decided to simply make up the data; who would know? It made him feel quite wicked to be falsifying the entries for number of oversize books checked out between 10.00 and 11.00 on a Thursday, which was probably why he started guiltily at the sudden appearance of Willow in the office doorway.

Dear Willow! She smiled at him and he thought how much she reminded him of a beech tree, sapling-slender, eyes the colour of bark, hair like an autumn-tinted leaf...

“Giles? Do you have a moment?”

“Of course. What is it, Willow?”

“I’m sort of shy about this, so I’m just going to say it. Giles,I’ve got these feelings.I know they’re wrong, I know they’re wicked and inappropriate...”

“Willow, whatever it is that you’re going through, it’s not in the least wrong. I’m certain of that. It’s a confusing time of your life and –”

“I want to lick Principal Snyder from his cute little toes to his cute little nose. Well, not actually lick his nose, ‘cause he’s got these allergies and all, but bits of him, yes, I definitely want to lick...bits of him.”

Giles stared at her and opened his mouth twice without being able to form words. There was no trace of humour in her eyes and her mouth was twisted up as though she held back tears.

“Willow, you can’t be –oh.” His glance fell on the desk calendar. “Oh, I see. Very clever.”

One hand shot out and Willow shrieked as he tugged her to him and tumbled her face down across his lap. Holding her in place, he flipped up her short skirt. As he’d expected, she was bare underneath it, a tiny scrap of cotton balled up in her fist showing where her panties had got to.

“If you wanted some attention, Willow, you only had to ask me properly,” he said mildly, tapping his fingers against the satin-smooth skin of her bottom. “Of course, kneeling on this carpet is enough to put anyone off begging. I can’t imagine when it was last hoovered...”


Willow’s breathy, plaintive plea made him smile. “Oh, I’m sorry. You wanted to be spanked, didn’t you?”

“Yes, Giles. Please? Hard?”

“I would, Willow, with the utmost pleasure, but I’m afraid I sprained my wrist shelving the new books. Frightfully heavy some of those demon encyclopedias...”

“Is it really hurting you?”

The note of concern made him smile. Dear girl. “It aches and throbs rather, yes. Some swelling too.” All true...just not his wrist that was suffering...

Willow began to wriggle, trying to get off his knee, and he sighed silently at the delicious sensation against the palm of his hand. “You should rest it then, Giles. Get it better as soon as possible. I’m sorry, I never would have...”

Her surprised squeal as his hand lifted and swooped down, landing with a crack against her bottom was delightful and well worth the shock she’d given him.

“April Fool, Willow,” he said as he got down to the job in hand.

The morning was well advanced by the time Willow left and Giles shook his head as he picked up his pen and felt it cool and smooth against the stinging redness of his hand. He really had to insist on his office being out of bounds, but could he bear that? So many happy memories...

Xander rapped sharply on the door frame, bringing Giles out of his reverie and back to the present.

“Good morning, Xander. Shouldn’t you be in class right now?”

Xander waved an airy hand. “Technically, yes, but I prefer to think of the timetable as polite suggestions, you know? Besides, I really needed to talk to someone and you’re the only one I can think of who’d understand.”

Giles frowned. “Have you, ah, seen Willow today by any chance?”

“No, why? She’s probably in class. You know Will; good girl 24/7.”

 “With a helping hand, she is, yes,” said Giles. “What is it, Xander? I really am a little busy.”

“You know you said any life choices I made were mine to make? And I shouldn’t be ashamed of giving into my feelings?”

“I believe I said, ‘stop arsing around and take your trousers off,’ but yes.”

“You’ve done so much to open my eyes, Giles. Don’t hate me when I say I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

“I promise I won’t,” Giles said, trying to sound concerned. “And who would this rival for your affections be?”

Xander sighed and looked wistful. “He’s got this commanding presence about him. You know how that gets me going.”

“I certainly do, ‘Private Harris’.”

Xander shuddered with arousal and gave Giles a reproachful look as he adjusted his jeans surreptitiously. “Well, no offence, G-man, but this guy’s got real power, you know? Over hundreds of...”

“Snyder’s spoken for, Xander.”

“What? Oh, Giles you’re no fun! Who told you?”

Giles stood up and walked to Xander, leaning over to hiss menacingly in his ear, “That’s Major Giles and I suggest you drop and give me twenty, you horrible little man.”

Xander kept his eyes forward and moaned. ‘Twenty? Giles – Major – make it ten. Please?”

“Twenty,” Giles said firmly. “And after that you’re going right back to class. I’ll have no slacking in my regiment.”

As Xander positioned himself on the floor, muttering about unfairness and cruelty, Giles permitted himself a smile. He waited until Xander had got to nine and then knelt beside him and reached underneath, his fingers finding Xander’s zip. “Hold still...ah. Please continue.”

Xander gave him an incredulous look and Giles returned it with a bland smile. “Ten,” he prompted. “And, Xander? A little slower please. I want you to really feel the, uh, burn. Go down much lower too...”

Xander made it to eighteen, Giles’ fingers sliding lazily up and down in time with Xander’s voice counting the press ups, a voice that got shakier and more desperate as he got closer to coming.

Giles let him off the last two and sent him on his way, murmuring, “April Fool,” into an ear that got an affectionate twist as well.

It took Giles a little while to gather his concentration and he’d barely begun the overdue by more than a year section of the form when his Slayer arrived. Setting down the pen, he looked at her and waited in silence. Buffy was even less convincing than the other two and he didn’t let her do more than stammer out a few sentences about the advantages of a man whose head was level with your nipples, before saying quietly, “Whose idea was this?”

“You know about it?” She pouted and he groaned silently. Those adorably pert, pink lips! She knew how he reacted when she did that, the little minx!

“You’re my third visitor, Buffy and given the date, I didn’t even consider a spell being to blame.”

She came over to him and sat on his knee, kissing him. “I suppose you’re all grumpy now?” she said. “After what you said about us bothering you in working hours.”

“Very much so,” Giles said, trailing kisses up the curve of her neck and biting her ear lobe to show how deeply outraged he was.

“ gonna spank me?”

She squirmed against him and he swallowed. “Did that to Willow.”

She pouted again. “Darn line jumper! She was supposed to come second.”

“No, that would have been Xander. In every sense of the word.”

Buffy frowned. “You must be exhausted! Has Willow being making those vitality potions again?”

“Oh, I didn’t, you know...well, not yet anyway.”

“Giles!” Her pretty face looked outraged. “You mean they came and went? That’s so like them!” She slid off his knee and deftly unzipped his trousers and Giles sighed blissfully as she went to work, demonstrating her ability to hold her breath for a very long time and an astonishingly powerful suction. Using her Slayer’s abilities in such a cause was terribly wrong but somehow that just made it the more piquant...

When he’d finished and she was fuming about Willow and Xander’s selfishness and swearing that she’d have the hide off Willow and Xander wearing a cock ring for hours he realised that he’d better confess that it had just been an...

After Buffy had swept out, her pert little bottom looking as annoyed as her face, Giles grinned unrepentantly and began work yet again. It took him far longer than he’d expected, but he was left in peace until the sun had set and then he received his final visitor.

“Angel? What is it?” Giles was concerned. Angel’s face was even more sombre than usual and surely he wasn’t here to play games? No; too old for such foolishness.

“Giles, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say because God knows I know it’s wrong. Sick. Twisted. Against the natural order of things...”

“I think a vampire and a Slayer has a certain doomed intensity to it, Angel,” Giles interrupted, patting Angel’s knee comfortingly. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you when she thinks I’m not looking, and truthfully, although I love her – all of them - dearly, you’d be doing me a favour if you took one of them off my –”

“Buffy? It’s not Buffy! God, Giles, how can you even say such a thing? She’s like an angel, well, not like me, like a real angel, unapproachable, irreproachable, high above me like a –”

“Nonsense!” Giles snapped, feeling cross. Damn. There went his chance to free up Wednesday nights and have some alone time with his cross referencing ...

“No, it’’s Principal Snyder. We...I bumped into him in the corridor last week and...Giles, he’s all I can think about. Never been so overawed by anyone, so – he’s got a commanding presence, don’t you think? Giles? Where are you going? Giles!”

“I expected better from you!” Giles snapped. “Really! Evil just isn’t what it used to be!”

Angel watched him go and frowned. Weird. Strain was getting to him. Never mind...that gave him the perfect excuse to go and find Snyder, suggest casually that he ease up on Giles in return for, well, whatever he wanted. Angel was up for anything....God, that man! Smiling in anticipation, Angel left in search of his beloved.

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