Set in S4, when Spike was in Xander's basement.
“Does this make it feel better?”
“How about this?”
“Huh. It usually does.”
“Maybe if I -?”
“Oh. Yeah, that’s...I think that’s helping.”
“It is? Good...”
“Maybe if you...”
“Did it a little faster?”
“’Faster’? I can speed up, no problem.”
“You can? Oh...you can! That’s fucking amazing! Don’t stop, don’t – why did you stop?”
Xander sat back and glared at Spike. “I’m going to call Giles.”
“Giles? I don’t think he’s into it, pet. Never saw him doing it the whole time I was staying with him.”
“To ask him,” Xander said, each word enunciated with painstaking precision and clarity, “If vampires even get headaches. If they do, I will then ask him if the treatment involves –”
“Oh, don’t bother. I lied.” Spike grinned up at him.
“Why?” Xander asked, his voice filled with disillusioned disbelief as he tossed the remote aside, his finger quivering after stabbing the channel button repeatedly.
The grin turned into a snarl. “Because you never change the channels fast enough! Vampire, remember? Fast reflexes and all? You flip like a girl.”
Xander choked with outrage. “Right. That’s it. No TV for you for the rest of the night.”
“That means you don’t get to watch it either,” Spike pointed out.
“I can work something out,” Xander replied...
“Enjoying the show, Spike?”
“I can’t bloody well see it, can I?”
“No, from that angle, it might be a bit difficult,” Xander said, flicking a glance at the chair Spike was tied to, positioned carefully so that if he craned his neck he could just catch a flicker of colour. “But you can hear it; that’s something, right? I’m not totally cruel and heartless.”
The music swelled and the voices of the Bollywood stars grew frantic with excitement.
“Ooh, this is a good bit!” Xander said brightly.
“You could read out the subtitles,” Spike said, without much hope. “Don’t speak Hindi, see?”
“You know, I was sort of counting on that. Never mind, it’s nearly over. Let’s see...I’ve got a porn video somewhere; you understand, ‘give it to me harder, big boy’ don’t you?”
“You’re going to make me listen to a porn film?” Spike asked incredulously. “Did you lose your soul when I wasn’t looking?”
Xander smiled and stood up. Revenge was sweet but caramel popcorn? Sweeter still.
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